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Please, do take a cursory glance at the missive directly below this one. Take care to notice its author, and the dismally recent date of its posting.
Now imagine how profound my disappointment, to be called back again so soon to administer justice to the melon-headed few of you who persist in fraudulence. I'd just sat down with the two things I enjoy most in life the most recent issue of Punishment Monthly and a carton of cigarettes when the alarm sounded. I feel like a dog owner who's rubbed her pet's nose in a mess on the carpet, only to turn around and discover it setting fire to the drapes.
This time it seems a number of you used an external application to unlock all of your achievements in order to get items unfairly. Coming as a surprise to no one with the ability to retain memories of the recent past, I have taken these items from the perpetrators for one week.
Can I trust that this episode has finally taught you a lesson? I should live so long. Having watched how the sorry lot of you comport yourselves on the battlefield and in the forums, I would consider it a small miracle to trust one of you enough to lick stamps without asphyxiating.
My magazine awaits.