Listen up, cake-babies! A robot army is coming to kill us! Lucky for you peach pies, I always knew this day would come – and I have been preparing for it! I have studied robots for years! I once stared at a toaster for three months to get into the minds of these monsters! And there are three things I know for sure: They are smarter than us! They are stronger than us! And they can make toast.

But if there is one thing we can do that these machines cannot, it is this: we can lie! We will lie to them on the beaches! We will lie to them in the beach parking lot! We may even lie to them on non-beach-related property! About the quality of our munitions! About the strength of our will! We will even lie about lying! That is how deep this rabbit hole goes! But the most important lie we will tell is this: Where the Mann Co. facilities are!

These rusty bags of cans have been programmed to attack all things Mann Co.! That is why we are here today, in front of this perfectly normal Mann Co. facility! But look closer! It is not an actual Mann Co. facility. I made it myself, using nothing but sweat and deception and lie-paint! We will lure the robots to this house of lies, and we will destroy them with our very real weapons and whatever it is the Scout does!