New maps? Yawn. New weapons? BORING. We know what the community really wants: hats. At least that's how it used to be, back when times were simple and Pink as Hell was merely a bullet point on some drunk intern's list of "gRAt e tf2 ides". No, it's like the "tweens" today only seem to care about their newfangled robo-bots.

That's why, when Valve offered us the chance to make our very own "Official Team Fortress Update", it was obvious what we had to do (hint: make more hats). If we remember correctly, the conversation went something like this:

VALVE: Help, we forgot how to do our jobs! Please make a new update or else the giant iguana posing as Gabe Newell will fire us and have us escorted out by security in that order!

MODEST COMMUNITY MEMBER: Fear not, incompetent Valve employees, the community is here to save the day once again. We have but one stipulation: we will not make robot hats under any circumstances and that's final. Unless you pay us lots of money.
We bring you 57, yes, 57 BRAND NEW and completely not bootlegged items, blazing the trail for the future of cutting edge headware technology.

Indeed, it is not giant deadly robots fueled by untold billions of dollars that are the harbinger of tomorrow, but instead--

Be the envy of all your friends! Seduce women! Show your parents that you've made something of yourself after all, because you have something that they never did: A MECHANICAL HAT.