The Team Fortress staff looked on in horror this morning when confirmed Australian Robin Walker showed up with a reindeer skull on his head and a board with a couple of nails in it, demanding presents. After a few initial attempts to find out what the hell he was talking about, leading to some superficial puncture wounds in Corey Peters' forehead, we figured it'd probably be easier for everyone if we just went and got him some presents.
After he'd unwrapped the tenth potted plant -- "This looks just like the ones in the lobby, too!" he exclaimed in happy surprise -- he calmed down enough to tell us about Australia's little-known but most celebrated holiday, Australian Christmas.
On December 18th, 1788, less than a year after the first settlers colonized Australia, an old cutthroat named Nicolas Crowder arrived on a boat with some other new settlers, took one look at the heat and privations, said "screw this," commandeered the boat, and set course on a one-man voyage to conquer the South Pole. Legend tells that he lives there still.
Every December 18th, "Old Nick" returns down under to find out if Australia's children have been naughty or nice. The nice children are given the greatest gift of all -- they are not abducted along with the naughty ones and carted off to the South Pole.
For the next twelve months, the naughty children make toys to Old Nick's exacting specifications. Then, on December 17th, the presents are gift-wrapped, placed in a sleigh, and driven to Old Nick's mansion, where he opens them. Naturally, given the sheer number of hats and weapons Old Nick receives, there are bound to be duplicates -- and every December 18th, he posts them online, selling them at prices so low that he's practically giving them away.
"But I haven't even told you the best part
of Australian Christmas!" said Robin, rocking a ficus plant back and forth in his arms.
"You haven't told us any
good parts of Australian Christmas," said Brandon Reinhart, feinting to the left to dodge a clumsily-thrown ficus plant.
" said Robin, his eyes rapidly unfocusing. "And they can only be unlocked with a Special Festive Key
!" He brandished a set of special keys to his house and car.
"Are you drunk?" asked Tom Bui
, taking Robin's special car keys away from him.
"Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Robin agreed.