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Ahoy, buoys and gulls, it’s almost Docktober 31st, and that means it’s time for the Fifth Annual Team Fortress Tort-urous Halloween Special, which this year is based entirely around the terrifyingly complex legal questions that haunt maritime law. AWOOOOOOOO! [Sound of receiving a jury summons]
And that horrifying description of an obviously terrible idea for a Halloween update — an idea so dreadful that we gave up on it almost fourteen hours ago — was just the FIRST of this year’s many spine-chilling, spine-tingling, all-around spinal cord-injuring shocks. We have one word of advice to those of you who survived our previous four Halloween Specials: Stop lying. These updates will kill you — GUARANTEED! [sound of our lawyers reading that sentence]
This year's Scream Fortress map is Helltower, a Payload Race variation, with at least one major difference: You're all powerful magicians. Everybody gets a spellbook gifted to them automatically, which you can equip in your Action Slot in order to pick up and cast spells. The team that wins the race will be granted a buff for the final climactic battle, where you will fight for the ultimate Halloween reward: Your own lives. And a reward.
So, fear fans, it’s time to put aside your precious laws of the sea, because this year anything can happen. Ghosts? Yes! Forbidden magic? Yes! Skeletons? Oh, yes. A Hellmouth? Obviously. A corpse? Yours. Really? Check your pulse. The murderer? You. Anyway, we’d love to sit here and shock you to death all day, but the update’s live.
Something is coming, everybody. Not "right now" coming — but you know, we're working on it. In the meantime, here's something to get you in the proper spirit.
It's almost awards season, and that can only mean one thing: For the next two months people from Hollywood are going to give each other spray-painted trophies and play music in the middle of one another's acceptance speeches. And when all the dust settles, all the Steven Spielbergs and Tom Hankses of the world will look down at their dumb little statuettes and think, "I wish I'd gotten a Saxxy."
Well, too bad, Tom Hanks, because you're not getting one. (Even if you submit an entry; that's how hard-line our no-Tom-Hanks-trophy stance is.) As for everybody else, though, a Saxxy could be yours. But not unless you submit an entry, so get cracking, because the entry date's fast approaching!
Head over to the SFM website for a more complete breakdown of dates and contest rules!
It's just over a month until the scariest day of the year, but you'd never know it by looking at the TF2 Workshop. No, suddenly everybody's too cool to be so scared of Halloween that they're even scared of it 42 days before it happens. Well, gather round the campfire and let us tell you a story about somebody else who thought he wasn't scared of Halloween just because it wasn’t anywhere close to being Halloween. He was at his wife's office building for a Christmas party, and he thought he was in the clear, because that's like ten months away from Halloween, right?
Wrong. A whole team of ghosts took over the Christmas party, and he was caught so unprepared by how incredibly scary they were that his shoes flew off and he hid in an elevator shaft so the ghosts couldn't scare him anymore, but it turned out the ghosts were just after money.
That man was Bruce Willis in the haunted house classic Die Hard, and it should teach you a valuable lesson about showing a little advance respect for Halloween. And you can show that respect by designing and uploading scary workshop items for this year's upcoming Halloween event. We're only going to ship items marked with a "Halloween 2013" tag, so remember to tag your holiday-themed items when you submit them. (You can re-upload old Halloween items that weren't accepted last time and mark them with the "Halloween 2013" tag for reconsideration.)
Also remember that anything you submit with this tag will be restricted to Halloween and Full Moons. And because it's restricted to Halloween and Full Moons, get creative! The tonal restrictions we normally ask our Workshoppers to observe with TF2 items don't really apply to a holiday where wizards and bomb books regularly attack from glowing skull islands, so if there's anything crazy you've been itching to make, now's the time.
Lastly, don't forget to use the in-game tool, because we don't care how scary your items are, if they're not Gold Star certified, they're the wrong kind of scary—like the difference between being scared by a Wolfman and being scared by a Wolfman getting hit by a car while jaywalking across the street to scare you.
Some of the Steam folks dropped by the TF offices this morning with some interesting news: They've just shipped a new feature they're calling Trade Offers. It's similar to regular trading, except you can propose which items will get traded. Whoever you're trading with can then choose to accept or decline your offer, or make a potentially interesting counter-offer.
The best part is, you don't even both have to be online at the same time now. You can make trades while you sleep! While you're having dinner! Even while you're going to the bathroom. All cards on the table here, pretty much the entire blog post up until this sentence was a preamble to us getting to tell you that you can trade TF items while going to the bathroom. Move over, reading a magazine! Take a hike, preparing dinner!
Anyway, check out the Steam Blog post for more information or start sending offers.